Is there actually a black sheep in the family?
In many families, the person who stands out is quickly given a name: the black sheep. But being different from your siblings does not necessarily mean something is wrong with you.
Recently, at a family gathering for a cousin’s introduction, because Vanassa was older than Titi, everyone started making prayers for Vanassa to find her own “man”. It became so much that she eventually told the entire family that she was not interested in marriage.
That alone could qualify Vanassa as the “black sheep” in some families because that is not the way things are supposed to be.
The sibling who has a different opinion, speaks out a lot, dresses differently or refuses to follow the family’s usual way of doing things can easily earn the label. So can the child who is always getting into trouble every eke market day, the one who never seems to listen or whose decisions constantly give the family something to discuss.
But families are rarely made up of people who behave exactly alike. Research has found that siblings can be surprisingly different in personality, interests and behaviour even when they share the same parents and household. Their age, position in the family, relationships with parents and one another, and experiences outside the home all contribute to those differences.
Same family, different people
Growing up under the same roof does not mean siblings have the same experience.
A 2023 meta-analysis examined data from 13,628 participants across 23 samples and found that parents can treat siblings differently, with differences in treatment partly associated with differences between the children themselves. The researchers also found that differences in parental treatment could be more pronounced when siblings were further apart in age.
This helps explain why two children can be raised by the same parents and still turn out differently. The first child may take responsibility seriously because everyone expects them to set an example, while a younger child may have more freedom because the parents have become less strict.
These differences can become part of how siblings see themselves and how the family sees them. The situation becomes more complicated when those differences turn into permanent descriptions.
“This one is responsible.”
“That one is stubborn.”
“She is the intelligent one.”
“He is the troublesome one.”
What begins as a casual observation can eventually become an identity.
When the label sticks
Sibling comparison is not necessarily harmless. A 2024 meta-analysis covering 26,451 participants found that greater differences in how parents treat their children were associated with more internalising and externalising behaviour problems. Children who received less favourable treatment relative to their siblings were also more likely to show such problems.
This does not mean parents should treat every child identically. Children have different ages, personalities and needs. But it does show that the way children experience their position within the family can matter.
A child who is constantly told that they are stubborn may become more defensive whenever they are corrected. The sibling who is always praised for being responsible may feel pressure to maintain that reputation. Meanwhile, the child already identified as difficult may receive less benefit of the doubt when something goes wrong.
Eventually, the family may no longer simply be describing behaviour. It may be describing the person. But sometimes, the black sheep really is troublesome.
Also Read: Should you feel guilty when you say no to family?
Some people create genuine problems for their families. The sibling who repeatedly borrows money without repaying it, gets into fights, refuses to take responsibility or continually drags relatives into their problems may have earned some of the criticism they receive.
Being different does not make someone automatically right. If several relatives have raised the same concern about the same behaviour over a long period, it may be worth taking seriously.
The problem is that the label can make it difficult to distinguish between bad behaviour and simply being different.
Vanessa refusing marriage, for instance, does not hurt anyone. Her decision may be unusual within her family, but unusual is not the same as wrong. The same can apply to someone choosing a career their parents do not understand, dressing differently or openly disagreeing with family opinions.
Family expectations are powerful, and they differ from one household to another. Something that looks completely normal to one family can therefore look rebellious in another.
Maybe the label needs to change
The interesting thing about the black sheep is that the label can remain long after the original behaviour has changed.
The child who was always fighting at 15 may be completely different at 30. The sibling who was considered irresponsible may eventually become the one supporting the family. Yet families have long memories, and people often continue relating to relatives based on who they used to be.
An old mistake becomes evidence of someone’s character. Every new disagreement is added to a story that may have started years earlier. That does not mean the black sheep is always misunderstood. Sometimes the person needs to change. Sometimes the family needs to stop expecting everyone to behave alike.
Perhaps there really is a black sheep in some families. But perhaps, in others, there is simply one person who stands out enough for everyone else to notice. And once a family gives that person a label, it can become surprisingly difficult for anyone to see them as anything else.
