Should you feel guilty when you say no to family?
A young Lagos resident says they lied about their salary to avoid sending money home, but still feel guilty whenever they spend on themselves. Where does family responsibility end and personal freedom begin?
A message read on a podcast recently captured a conflict many young Nigerians may understand but rarely admit.
The anonymous writer, a young person living in Lagos, said they had stopped sending money home because they wanted to keep some of their earnings for themselves. They had even lied about their salary so their family would not know exactly what they earned and expect more.
But whenever they went out to socialise, they felt guilty. They could spend money on food or an evening with friends, yet part of their mind would wonder whether the money should have gone home instead.
It raises a difficult question: if you can afford to help your family but also want to enjoy the money you worked for, should you feel guilty when you choose yourself sometimes?
Financial support between relatives is common in Nigeria. The National Bureau of Statistics found in its 2023–24 General Household Survey that almost four in 10 Nigerian households received domestic remittances in the previous 12 months. The figure was higher among urban households, at 43.8 percent.
For many families, that support helps pay for basic needs. But family support does not mean every naira earned by one person becomes available to everyone else.
When your salary stops feeling like your own
The pressure can begin when a young person’s income becomes family information. You get a job in Lagos and, gradually, the requests start. A sibling needs school fees. A parent needs help with bills. There is a family ceremony. Someone has an emergency.
One request becomes another, and eventually saying yes becomes the expectation. The young worker still has rent, transport, food, bills and savings to consider. They may also want to enjoy the money they earn. That can be difficult to admit when the family is struggling. But spending money on yourself is not automatically irresponsible.
A person can send money home, save part of their salary and still spend some of what remains on dinner with friends. The problem is when someone believes they must justify every personal expense because their family might have a use for the money.
Not every family request carries the same responsibility
This does not mean every family request should be rejected. There is a difference between refusing to help because you simply do not want to and being unable to meet every request placed before you. There is also a difference between helping a parent who genuinely depends on you and paying for every relative who assumes that having a job means having spare cash.
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A medical emergency is not the same as a request for a new phone. School fees are not the same as contributing to an unnecessary celebration. The NBS figures matter because remittances are part of how many families support themselves. Telling everyone to stop sending money home would ignore the reality of many Nigerian families.
Instead, the useful question is: what can I realistically give without putting myself in financial trouble?
If you earn ₦400,000 and your essential expenses take most of it, you cannot reasonably give as though you earn ₦1 million. Supporting a dependent parent also creates different responsibilities. There is no fixed amount that makes someone a good child.
You can care about family and still have a life
For the person who sent that anonymous message, the hardest part may be accepting that guilt does not necessarily mean they have done something wrong. Guilt can come from caring. It can also come from being accustomed to putting everyone else first.
If you have been taught that a good child always gives back, spending money on yourself can feel selfish even when you have met your responsibilities. Your own needs count too.
You can contribute what you can afford, save for your future and say that you cannot help this month. You can support your parents without becoming responsible for every financial problem in the extended family.
Lying about your salary may protect you from immediate pressure, but hiding your income is difficult to maintain. Where possible, a clear conversation about what you can afford is healthier. And if you go out with your friends after doing what you reasonably can for your family, you do not have to spend the entire evening feeling guilty.
Family responsibility should involve care, not the complete surrender of your own life. You are allowed to help the people you love without becoming the person everyone automatically turns to for money. You are also allowed to build a life that is yours.
